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Writer's pictureTani

A Personal (& Business) Update

Note: some of the following may be troubling to read as I am openly sharing my honest thoughts, so if you want to just skip to what I'm currently offering in my business, scroll down to the teal subtitles.

I have been delaying writing this post because of how hard it would be to finally write. It has been just over a year since I've more or less unofficially paused my business, only accepting some special jobs on the side. I haven't posted on social, I haven't updated my website, I haven't really done much anything here because I have been processing so much. Last year on July 12, 2023, the love of my life and fiancé, Matt, passed away in a tragic, freak car accident on his way home from work at the prime of his life, at age 27. It stings to write that sentence as I still can not believe it. Matt was and is my soulmate, my other half...the funniest, most outgoing, overflowing with energy, gentlemanly, caring, kind partner I could ever dream of and more...I am still trying to figure out how to live without him physically here, while leaning heavily on my friends and family for support, as I could not be here today without them. My heart has been shattered irreparably, yet I am somehow surviving the days one at a time, shedding enough tears to fill the ocean along the way. Grief is a beast, and something I will have to walk with the rest of my life. It's an unwelcome and painful companion, though it teaches me many lessons as we walk the path forward together. So where do I go from here? Well, as someone trying to navigate life amidst so much trauma and grief, trying to work has been near impossible. Some days I just sit or lay there staring into space, breaking down into tears, trying to focus but blinded by brain fog so bad I literally had to Google whether or not grief could cause permanent brain damage because I felt like my brain just wasn't working anymore (it's still not). I found myself forgetting things, repeating myself, existing in a state of utter shock and confusion and soul-crushing sadness. It has been HARD. I saw no light at the end of this dark tunnel until maybe a few months ago when I realized I was no longer wishing for death, but finding myself wanting to live for Matt, and finding new ways to honor him each and every day. My faith has also helped keep me afloat, although I'd by lying if I said I didn't struggle with it and spent countless hours screaming at God asking the big question: "Why him??" It feels so unfair, and still does! I will never understand why it had to be him that came upon that tree at night around a blind corner only minutes after it had cracked into the middle of the road. I will never understand why it happened then of all times, when he had one semester left of school before he could graduate and flourish in a successful career (he was an amazing and naturally gifted welder that everyone wanted to hire!), when we were just a few months away from being able to plan our wedding and get married, and step into our future together. I miss him so much, and there are no words to express the longing I have for him and how much I love him and always will. What does this mean for my business? Well, as you can probably imagine, weddings have been very difficult for me. It was not an immediate discovery. Earlier this year, I tried getting back into my business and took a consultation call with a potential wedding client and for the first time ever, had to turn them down. After our call, I went into my room and bawled my eyes out. I did not know I wasn't ready for the emotional burden that now came along with weddings and the one I will never get to have with Matt. I again became confused and sad, and battled with feelings of worthlessness and embarrassment not knowing what the heck I was supposed to do with my life besides talk to my support group and dive into a few hobbies as a form of therapy. But maybe that is exactly what I was supposed to do. Through those painful and exhausting months of grieving and processing, I finally found some healing. Healing hurts, by the way. It doesn't feel good in the moment, but does have good long-term effects. My faith is slowly being restored and repaired, I try to reminisce about all the happy, wonderful, and funny memories Matt left me with, rather than dwell on the horrifying flashbacks that still haunt me to this day, and I try to be present with the people who have poured love out onto me during this time, even people I have never met have become close friends now, and despite being alone, I don't feel as lonely anymore thanks to my loved ones always being here for me. I am overwhelmed with gratitude from the kindness, patience, and compassion from both loved ones and strangers, and have found ways to contribute and be helpful in their lives as well, which has restored some sense of purpose within me. All that to say, I am not healed yet. I am very much broken, but the pieces and cracks are hopefully rearranging themselves into something that can also be considered beautiful and useful. What am I no longer offering? At this time, I am no longer accepting wedding branding clients as I am trying to respect my own emotional boundaries during this time of healing. This doesn't mean I won't return to offering it, but I am unable to serve clients at my best right now, and I want all of my clients to receive nothing but the absolute best. What am I offering now? I am still accepting business clients who want non-wedding-related design work! I especially love print and layout design, packaging design, and working within existing brands. I am also open to do event stationery, such as holiday events, business events, birthdays, baby showers, etc.! I am also offering calligraphy services (and yes, I can still do calligraphy for weddings)! Calligraphy has actually be a very therapeutic activity for me, so if you need envelope addressing, card writing, letters, etc. please do reach out, I would love to help you with it :) Some of you may know that I have worked as a handwriting artist for Punkpost for the past 4 years, and have been an active team member on the backend team for over 2 years assisting with things like customer support, task delegation, and some creative work. However, Punkpost has sadly decided to shut down at the end of this month, so my colleague and I have started forming a small branch called Paper Phoenix Collective, where we will continue helping corporate clients manage and send out handwritten cards! It's still in the works, but we'll get it going in the next couple of months! :) If you'd like to reserve me as a handwriting artist for your company, please reach out for a quote, as I would be so happy to serve you! Well, if you made it this far, congratulations! I know it probably was not an easy read, but it has also not been an easy year for me. I have wanted to put something like this up now for awhile, but couldn't bring myself to do it until now. Thank you for all your kindness and support, thank you for reading my story, and thank you for getting to know Matt a little better too. If you would like to know more about him, please consider subscribing to his YouTube channel, where he carried out his true passion—streaming! Every now and then I will go live on his channel as well, to keep his channel active like he would've wanted, and to be able to connect with his amazing community there. Thank you so much again and please reach out to me at tani@splashoft.design if you have any questions or want to start a conversation <3

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